Posts Tagged ‘Relationship’

pink

In no way I feel women should be given equal rights. It is not a matter of necessity, it is a pure propaganda, for which urban literate people are fighting with each other and those who just don’t bother are facing the same existence crisis every single day. Moreover, the demand for equal right is a goddamn fucking joke. Women already are equal to men. I am talking about the places where this sense of equilibrium is asking for serious oxygen. I meant to say it has appealed to the literate and urban generation only. In city, we have enough time to think and distinguish things as per our own wish. Whatever you say right, most of the time I find it wrong. That’s the clash. Black & white, Urban & rural, men-women…who does fucking care except their own bread? Who has to earn his own bread, he knows the value of it, who eats bread earned by someone else, gets time to create turbulence among society. And there the concept of Pink comes.

The moment girls try to come out of their own color and get missed with guys, guys think they are giving ‘hints’, they starts thinking whatever they want can do with a girl, though there is strong laws and enforcements against that. Then why? Even quite aware of strong laws and probable enforcements, still why there are many cases of Rapes, Molestation etc are increasing day by day? Here the subtle statement comes. It’s kind of arrogance and then a feel of insecurity. It’s that feelings which forces one to show the power to prove superiority. It’s the same show offs which the person used to see it throughout his upbringing between his own mother and father. It is the eternal clash between two different sexes. None writes about the everyday trouble a man faces in his married life, none talks about the urge of having sex is considered max once or twice in a year and still the man is officially not allowed to have sex with other women though it’s a kind of physical requirement. How many books have been written on domestic violence on men? Very little research on this and surprisingly even lesser see the light of publication!

Then? What is the issue? Both of them are somehow molested, terrified and still the system to move on without any prejudice.

No, here is the conflict. That’s the beauty of the movie ‘Pink’. In a scene Mr. AB said “No Means ‘No’, ‘No’ itself is a complete Sentence.”

As conclusive statement, Pink is not a movie on being strong Womanist. It is actually a fantastic movie where one should know the power of the sentence “No” first and then other things. It is wonderfully said, knowing ‘no” is more necessary than understanding ‘yes’.

Debraj

26.09.2016

Gurgaon

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pause

It’s been long I actually wrote something. Sometime we prolong our break and sometime we just ponder on work. It’s kind of our psychology. Sometime we nourish our hobbies and sometime we just let things go on as it is. The gap period was like that. I let the life move on of its own without much involving my own self in to it.

I concentrated on job, maintained a harmony of relationships with friends and relatives, tried my best to manage some time for regular exercises, quit smoking for a few good weeks and again didn’t take much time hug it. In these few months, I went to some places like Udaipur, then another trip to Ajmer-Pushkar.

I managed to meet some old friends, had sufficiently enough volume of alcohol of various brands and just let that six months approx time flow like nothing. I didn’t do anything specific but honestly that’s the most satisfying thing. Sometime it really feels good when you actually don’t do anything. This is the time, when you don’t daydream, don’t concentrate much on romanticism, poetry, and don’t find much interest in love making or watching porn.

This is the time when you just don’t bother if speedometer of your car starts crying, you just give bullshit to what your bosses or colleagues talk in your back. You don’t bother to maintain a good health, you don’t ask for a good book to read at leisure, you don’t start a new TV series.

This is the time when you just give damn to some unknown or semi known extra-marital affairs of your very so called near or dear ones and besides, you don’t feel any urge to start one with someone.

It’s just cool, like flowing river, it’s like continuous snowfall without bothering where am I settling may be on top of trees, on stones, on rivers or whatever it is.

And then slowly you start feeling, after so many struggles, after so many real days, you got a real life to live. Then you sleep naked, putting air conditioner on super chilled mode, consume a full 750ml of good wine with ‘n’ numbers of cigarettes, turn left, keeping hands at ninety degree with your body, making a proper ‘F’ where lower hand is managed with your erect dick.

Debraj

22.09.2016

Kabir immediately picked up the mobile and typed a text message, ‘hope you are safe and nothing happened due to that horrible incident in Kolkata’…then a long pause, holding the send button! He was not sure whether to send the message or not? He broke up with Manasi long four years back and since then they never exchanged any word except once, when he sent a message in Facebook, that also after long 3years of that break up. Nope, that experience was not good though. Kabir wrote a few lines in Facebook messenger and finally after one or two days later, got a very strong reply disguised in instruction that, ‘don’t message me or disturb me’.

Kabir still couldn’t remember what actually happened to him, he knew that he will get such kind of reply but still he tried, he even said sorry too though he still doesn’t have any idea of why he would have to say sorry? He didn’t broke up with Manasi, neither Manasi also broke up with him. There were a few tensions, misunderstandings, family drama and conflict of interest, things didn’t go well and so they ended up with a break up. Break up means they stopped being with each other, spending time together or even stopped being in talking terms. It’s like, suddenly a kind of decision and then forgetting whatever good times they had spent once. Kabir sometime wonder, what kind of relationship was that? Though he was the one who pointed out the negative things of that relationship first, still he never knew that their relationship doesn’t deserve a little bit respect when it is over, even then when he himself didn’t mind to say sorry, number of times.

Anyway, a flyover collapsed on Vivekananda Road. The first thing came in Kabir’s mind was simple, Manasi used to stay near there. She used to take that route while going for her tuition or while returning from there. After fighting a lot with his own conscience, he finally took the mobile and typed a message and was in confusion, whether to send or not. He was really worried but he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t even ask, or send a text message. Actually he was well aware that he will not get any reply, even if he gets, it would not be a nice one.

When did heart listened to brain? Finally Kabir pressed the send button, “hope nothing happened to you in that mishap. I will be really grateful if you could reply with atleast a letter” and then eternal wait. No reply came in next five minutes, not even in ten minutes. Kabir was in a meeting with his CEO and he was the one who was giving the power-point presentation. People from investors, bankers were very much curious about his presentation. He was also very much in to that, until the reply came, a small vibration in pocket, he took out the phone, Manasi replied, “it is very much annoying to receive a message from you. It will be really helpful if you could stop sending me messages or any other way to communicate with me. I am married and let me be happy in my life”. Kabir read the whole thing, the way Manasi replied was not good in anyway but he was happy. Kabir didn’t ask for any favour, he didn’t even requested Manasi to keep in touch or again fall in love with him. He actually didn’t ask for anything. He was just curious, he was panicked and then he was happy to know nothing happened to Manasi. Kabir himself is a married person, so there was no point getting upset knowing Manasi also got married.

Kabir typed a reply, everybody in the meeting room was looking at him, waiting for him to continue with the presentation, but Kabir was busy with the keyboard of mobile, he typed thrice, deleted twice and finally replied, “Thanks….Be happy” and turned his head towards the presentation.

 

Kabir

31.03.2016

Gurgaon

 

WP 1A couple of days before, while cleaning up my room on weekend, after a booze party on Friday night at my place, I got some papers in my room, kind of torn pages from a diary or journal. There was not a single good words written there about me. Yes after working hard in office, spending good enough time at home, managing all the financial needs, buying new stuffs whenever required, dealing with familiar tensions, I was actually having a mind-set that I am doing good. I even gave myself 9 out of 10 in everything. I didn’t show my anger to anyone, I accepted my personal discomfort when I had to support my family, but there was not a single good words written there about me. Yes, after reading those, the whole day I spent in understanding what went wrong and what fault I made. Yeah, I got a few. I understood a few things I ignored considering it would not be noticed but it was noticed and noted down. All of a sudden I started feeling very low. It felt like I failed in an exam though I tried my level best.

WP 2Some negative thoughts also came in my mind like I must not do any more good things. I would have to ask the writer about the false blames, but slowly after spending a whole day with myself, after writing out a small poem, after watching India-Sri Lanka cricket match, I regained my mental spirit and decided not to live in any kind of negativities around me. I made a few rules, regulations for myself to follow. I don’t know how much my readers will connect with this but atleast it made me feel happy, made me strong enough to move on.

  1. Never get in to an argument which has no ending
  2. Never listen what other people say about you
  3. You didn’t take birth in a day and that was also not in your control. Handling any situation demands time and be wise to allot that
  4. Nothing comes for free, not even social service. You get tax exemption, happiness and sometimes a bit fame too
  5. Those who doesn’t have enough work or those who have never achieved anything in their life of their own, are the front runner in criticism business, avoid them
  6. Nurture hobbies, don’t make yourself so busy so that you don’t get time for what you actually enjoy
  7. Don’t keep grudge on anything or anyone, immediately react but don’t drag that far
  8. Enjoy companies of friends, but remember, if you enjoy, then only or else not necessary to get surrounded by people
  9. Exercise without fail. Alarm clock should not wake you up, but your passion should
  10. What is right is always right and what is wrong is always wrong. No need to live with something wrong hoping it will be right someday. It will never be
  11. Study even when you are earning good because studies keep you updated with things and works as natural brain refresher
  12. Attend calls, send mails, chat with people but avoid expecting anything
  13. Save money, save more than you could. Make savings a habit more important than earning also
  14. Enjoy every second. The moment you are dull, you must be sure very soon your surroundings would be dull and you would land in to a soup, middle of nowhere
  15. You can’t change anyone, so don’t try. Yes remember, you also don’t change yourself for anyone. You are fine, good enough
  16. Apart from all the above the things, do some meditation every day and walk for atleast 10,000 steps

WP 3

Debraj

15.02.2016

Gurgaon

WP 01

I am not sure whether I should write this or not. Yeah, this is a sensitive topic and one shouldn’t discuss on the same. It’s kind of personal thing but I guess, I have already discussed a lot about my personal things here, starting from quitting smoking to masturbation. I have even discussed my definitions of being happy and then some kind of familiar incidents too.

Anyway, coming to the subject, is commitment in relationship is a taboo? I am not sure of it but seems like I feel the same. According to Google, Taboo means a social or religious custom prohibiting or restricting a particular practice or forbidding association with a particular person, place, or thing.

Before I got married, I was in a few relationships, I mean I had a few girlfriends in different phases. Ok, while I was in school, like all other guys, I also had some kind of crush on a girl, which didn’t mature later. We never even spoke more than twice or may be thrice too.

Then in college, while doing engineering, I got involved with a lady, who was actually a friend of one of my friend. It lasted a couple of years. There also it didn’t ripe in to a physical relationships (I meant sex, not kissing). That also didn’t last long after I got a job and started working in a concern. Then for a stop-gap period, I met with another lady, with whom I was in a relationship for a complete year. Yes, this time she was also very serious and I was too but it didn’t last long for some miscommunications which resulted into a complete misunderstandings and an argumentative end. We both decided to move away and have our own life separately. With her, I went to some good places too, away from home, spent a whole day in hotel room, came close to each other but somehow sex didn’t happen. Probably we were in demand of more time or may be being an Indian, we were not that matured like what we read about developed or underdeveloped foreign countries. While in a relationship, we never had any problem with ‘Love’. Love was always in the air, which actually didn’t condencify and there I understood my problem.

My problem is simple, I can’t commit a thing unless it has some result in future. Not necessary that I can see the future, but there must be some way I could see, visualise or I personally don’t believe in continuing a relationship considering it a taboo. I always, say, there is no number in between ‘0’ & ‘100’. Either complete dedication, or there is nothing, which I actually lack. I can’t give my 100% to anything unless I like that thing the most, more than my life too. Yes, it is, and it will probably remain the same till my last breath. Though in professional life, whenever I felt suffocated in a job, I immediately resigned and joined some other company. Sometime this went wrong, but I never cared for that.

Why to drag a thing when you actually lack something? Why to drag a relationship when you know you are not satisfied with it? Why society, parents, friends would have to interfere in your personal choice? Here the point comes. Sometime you know you are not in to it but your counterpart doesn’t feel the same way and there the confusions, contradictions come which mostly lead to some unfortunate, unwanted situations. It happened with me with my girlfriends, even with my wife too. Life is never a very easy thing, life is tough.

I still do not understand, when there is some problem or confusions or better say mismatch in a relationship, then why not to take a call and respect the peace of mind? Solutions could be done by having good discussion, by taking help from third party, could be done by approaching court or by any violent means. Yes, I don’t see anything wrong in this. Where there is something wrong, then all the consequences could be wrong, should definitely be in wrong way. As simple as that. If I am not enjoying my marriage, then there is no other way to say it other than confessing, “I am not happy”.

No, please don’t get me wrong. It’s not my case as of now. Yes, here also I am happily adjusted myself between 0 & 100. Means, I am not 100% happy, but it will be really unfair to say that I am not happy also. So I am happy. I don’t have all the happiness one could get from marriage, but yes, to some extent, I am happy. I have issues, I have problems but still can’t get away from this marriage named thing. I am not sure whether it is kind of fear, social embarrassment or still I have some expectations left from this? I don’t know at all. I don’t know what is happening now, it will keep on happening rest of my life. So same boring story line up every day, every morning, noon, afternoon and night. Whatever is the problem, issues, didn’t get sorted out yet and I am quite sure that in near future also, nothing is going to change. Ok, I am not pointing my finger to someone saying it is his/her fault at all. I am just saying considering all the faults are mine, still why to bear the burden for same old rotten story which gets old day by day and gather more mosses being of no use at all?

Yes, may be, Commitment is a kind of taboo.

Kabir

15.01.2016

Gurgaon

CA 01

A few days before while talking with a close friend over the phone, I found him a bit frustrated and dull. I asked him the reason but he politely avoided discussion on the same. On the next day, he called me in the evening and asked me two questions,

  1. Why do people give me importance in their necessity and then just throw me away after the need? Is every relationship is based on need?
  2. Why does this happen to me time and again? This is not the first incident, the same thing happened to be before also. What do you suggest as a friend?

I took time to respond to his question. Yes, I am not a relationship guru, whom people call for getting suggestions on relationship issues and yes, I also face the same things in my life too. People’s communication, maintaining relationships etc everything depends on need. When that need is served, they strive for another need, and to be frank, need is an assignment type thing. Like we order pizza and the pizza retail chain deliver the same within their stipulated time. We are happy with the taste and delivery of that pizza. The moment the delivery boy gets late in delivery, we scream at him and scare him to deduct the amount.

It’s same in everywhere and funny is we all know that.

Even in a husband-wife relationship, there are a lots of needs and then imposed duties and responsibilities on both. The moment one need is served; the second moment is spent on planning for the next sets of needs. But in case of a husband wife relationship, the score card is only between the two members. Like if husband has to cook, then wife is to give score or vice versa. The moment it gets public and then types of demands starts acting like a free flow water body.

It can be compared with ‘dropping mercury theory’.

When a tea spoon of mercury is dropped from a certain height on a plane floor, then it will get scattered. You can try your level best to accumulate but actually it will cost you both physical and mental effort but result will be a big zero. You just can’t accumulate all the mercury and find the same weight as it was before. Now place a funnel and put a bottle under that. Take another tea spoon of mercury and drop it on the funnel. See the result, except a marginal loss; you will be able to collect the whole mercury.

The same applies with any relationship too. The moment you lose the funnel, the moment you lose the game.

Remember the style of our parents. They used to love us, scold us in childhood. Then they started developing confidence in us, educate us and then finally they started depending on us and finally they leave you to roam freely on this earth with a confidence that my son/daughter is ready. They also used a funnel, poured mercury through a funnel, systematically. In language we know that funnel as scolding, appreciating, admiring, loving, affection etc.

Where you didn’t use any funnel, it’s better not to expect anything from that relationship. Type of funnel may be compromised considering it issue based but the thing funnel is irreplaceable.

Let me give another example of what actually happens in our life.

Without using any proper kind of funnel, we lose to a situation and then blame it to get some consolation and generally two things happened. Either we say, “I was carried away with emotions/sentiments/anger etc” or “it never happened to be mine”.

An example:Sm 01

A person died. His relatives, neighbours, family members were standing around his bed and crying. A person was passing through that area. Out of curiosity, he stopped, felt emotional and thought of spending some time with them, with the distressed family. He tried his best to console people, shed tears in his own eyes too. After sometime they took that dead body to the burning ghat, chanting prayer to god. None looked at him. None paid any kind of attention to him. He felt bad, very bad. He spent almost 2 hours with those people but none even noticed him. He didn’t expect much, but some should have called him or atleast waved hand to him but nothing happened. He felt really very bad. In the road, he met me, narrated the whole story. I said, “You missed it sincerely. In the whole story, you were nowhere in the picture, just stopped, spent some time with them and now asking for a special guard of honour. Here the subject was the dead body, not you. One should understand where his service is required and where it is not. And then even if a service is asked from you, it’s solely your choice and understanding of whether you are able to provide that support or not. If you are able to provide that support, then ask yourself, are you actually providing support voluntarily or with an expectation of getting a favour in return. When all the answers are known to you, you will be well enough smart to avoid missing anything ‘sincerely’.

Now, another thing is carried away, which you can’t control.

You already know that marginal loss can’t be avoided. If you have to use funnel, then you must have to bear some marginal loss.

Let’s see what happens in the above mentioned example in another case.

A person died. His relatives, neighbours, family members were standing around his bed and crying. A person was passing through that area. Out of curiosity, he stopped, felt emotional and thought of spending some time with them, with the distressed family. He also couldn’t hold his tears for long. We wiped the tears with hands and left the place. After reaching at home, he found it strange. He didn’t even know the person who died but still he shed some tears. He was actually ‘carried away’ with the situation there.

The moment we will start understanding what do we actually want and what kind of deliberation that need, we will stop blaming fate, luck etc. for a never simple relationship questionnaire session.

Debraj

22nd april 2015

CTD 02A few days before, i was travelling from Delhi to Kolkata by train. I reached the platform at bit late and just after i boarded the train, it started moving. I got settled in my seat after putting the luggage under the seat. I checked all my co-travellers, of which one of them was a teenage lady and two other were an aged couple. The old person of that couple took the initiative to break the silence first and very soon we found ourselves very comfortable with each other. We talked about Indian economy, cricket, new ministry, terrorism, from anything to almost everything. It has become my bad habit that while talking with someone on something, i always keep on learning things and adding my points on almost everything. Good or bad, whatever it is i always have a story on anything, surprisingly all true and witnessed by me. Everyone has their own point of interest, like me, i can talk atleast a week without any break on construction industry, one day in Indian economy, one hour on geography or history and almost one month on Cricket or soccer. Slowly i understood the older person was more into Indian politics and defence strategies which immediately attracted me to take active part in the discussion. While we were arguing on something on the same topic, the other two ladies were busy with their phone or kept on talking between themselves on some other topic ignoring our discussion and forcefully or unforcefully, we were also ignoring their subject, until that young lady got a phone call from someone and out of courtesy we all had to stop talking to let the girl talk happily without surround sound. We all turned our face towards the window and started watching the beauty of nature while keeping eager ear on the telephonic discussion. It actually gives more pleasure in knowing someone’s private talk than conquering a big billion dollar country. The lady was talking with a male friend, with whom she shares a very good relationship but probably they like to keep it as a good friendship than renaming it as committed relationship. It seemed like both of them have agreed to this. No responsibility of affection showing drama from any side, just a mutual understanding with an underlying promise of being together in need. That need based relationship is something we all dream for but never experienced in our life. After sometime, the older lady, probably wife of that older person broke the silence but putting a sudden brake in our day dreaming, asked the young lady, “don’t mind, are you in relationship with that guy, you just talked over the phone?” the young lady replied with a diplomatic smile meaning yes or no, or might be both. After taking a pause for a couple of seconds, she replied, we are in a committed through device relationship and hit a hatrick in only a single ball. The story ends here.CTD 01

This is a new kind of relationship in this world; people are always busy with their smart phone through various social networking sites. They have different mail ids for different use. One is kept for their official purposes, one for their girlfriends or boyfriends and one for all other naughty raunchy things. It gives some kind of personal relaxation. I have talked with a lot people on this issue. None of them actually committed anything to anyone. It is seen that most of the time this relationship starts through internet, continues for a couple of months and then finishes in no time at all. I can give example of one of such relationship. That time Facebook launched in India newly and people started forming groups in close friends, so a word generated, i.e. common net friend. That means a person, whom i personally don’t know at all but has a distant friendship through some of my friends. Slowly though group chat or something like that they become close friend of mine too. Not that always the same thing happens but sometime it happens too. Within a very short period of time i came to know that she was daughter of my dad’s lost friend. Through us, our dad got number of his old lost friend and that bonded our friendship more. We exchanged our phone numbers and started talking but it was never a so called couple relationship as i was having my own girlfriend and she was also having a boyfriend but it seemed more comfortable in sharing problems, issues with someone whom i never met. Later also we never met each other and one fine morning i discovered someone else with whom i was more interested in sharing things than her. She also found the same thing and thus it discontinued.

A friend of mine confessed after a good dose of alcohol that, he can’t cheat his wife and so stopped talking to any of his ex girlfriends but one thing he does religiously, i.e. Keeping friendship with anonymous people. CTD 04He knows none will eventually come to know him and he also has no interest in meeting the personally even in any kind of wild dream.

It is actually a funny thing, meeting people through common forum or keeping old friendship through device. In an article in one of a leading daily in India, i saw a same subject where the discussion was how much a person is committed to their spouse. There most of the people accepted that in their office they meet people, in social arena, they meet people, build relationship but don’t drag it further because they fear of their already committed relationship. Committing a relationship through smart devices means easily accessible from anywhere and obviously the revealing own identity chapter is exclusively on owner’s risk and desire.

In India, a survey says 70% people feel marriage is more of a legal binding with full of unethical adjustments, in Australia it is 40% and the lowest is in USA. There it is 75%. May be there people are more committed to their own life than sharing it with others for lifelong only for some legal issues or maybe they are actually in to a proper happy married life. We all know the reason but what is to be kept as secret, attracts us more than what is easily available. We commit through device. We first post the picture of the food in Instagram even before tasting it because even if we are not committed to anyone for anything, still if a people click on the like button on that photo, it gives a pleasure. It has become more important to attract attention of people, both known and unknown that enjoying the food CTD 03itself for which we pay for. Facebook or same kind of social networking sites where appreciating someone or something is easier than doing it in real and who doesn’t like to live in a dreamland where there is no sense of feeling insecure at any time of life!

So, the world is into that secret commitment, commitment through device. We don’t have any option but accept it as the future of relationship.

(Dont just click on the ‘LIKE’ button, pls spare sometime to write a few words in the comments section too)

Debraj

16.12.2014