Posts Tagged ‘Blame’

pink

In no way I feel women should be given equal rights. It is not a matter of necessity, it is a pure propaganda, for which urban literate people are fighting with each other and those who just don’t bother are facing the same existence crisis every single day. Moreover, the demand for equal right is a goddamn fucking joke. Women already are equal to men. I am talking about the places where this sense of equilibrium is asking for serious oxygen. I meant to say it has appealed to the literate and urban generation only. In city, we have enough time to think and distinguish things as per our own wish. Whatever you say right, most of the time I find it wrong. That’s the clash. Black & white, Urban & rural, men-women…who does fucking care except their own bread? Who has to earn his own bread, he knows the value of it, who eats bread earned by someone else, gets time to create turbulence among society. And there the concept of Pink comes.

The moment girls try to come out of their own color and get missed with guys, guys think they are giving ‘hints’, they starts thinking whatever they want can do with a girl, though there is strong laws and enforcements against that. Then why? Even quite aware of strong laws and probable enforcements, still why there are many cases of Rapes, Molestation etc are increasing day by day? Here the subtle statement comes. It’s kind of arrogance and then a feel of insecurity. It’s that feelings which forces one to show the power to prove superiority. It’s the same show offs which the person used to see it throughout his upbringing between his own mother and father. It is the eternal clash between two different sexes. None writes about the everyday trouble a man faces in his married life, none talks about the urge of having sex is considered max once or twice in a year and still the man is officially not allowed to have sex with other women though it’s a kind of physical requirement. How many books have been written on domestic violence on men? Very little research on this and surprisingly even lesser see the light of publication!

Then? What is the issue? Both of them are somehow molested, terrified and still the system to move on without any prejudice.

No, here is the conflict. That’s the beauty of the movie ‘Pink’. In a scene Mr. AB said “No Means ‘No’, ‘No’ itself is a complete Sentence.”

As conclusive statement, Pink is not a movie on being strong Womanist. It is actually a fantastic movie where one should know the power of the sentence “No” first and then other things. It is wonderfully said, knowing ‘no” is more necessary than understanding ‘yes’.

Debraj

26.09.2016

Gurgaon

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WP 1A couple of days before, while cleaning up my room on weekend, after a booze party on Friday night at my place, I got some papers in my room, kind of torn pages from a diary or journal. There was not a single good words written there about me. Yes after working hard in office, spending good enough time at home, managing all the financial needs, buying new stuffs whenever required, dealing with familiar tensions, I was actually having a mind-set that I am doing good. I even gave myself 9 out of 10 in everything. I didn’t show my anger to anyone, I accepted my personal discomfort when I had to support my family, but there was not a single good words written there about me. Yes, after reading those, the whole day I spent in understanding what went wrong and what fault I made. Yeah, I got a few. I understood a few things I ignored considering it would not be noticed but it was noticed and noted down. All of a sudden I started feeling very low. It felt like I failed in an exam though I tried my level best.

WP 2Some negative thoughts also came in my mind like I must not do any more good things. I would have to ask the writer about the false blames, but slowly after spending a whole day with myself, after writing out a small poem, after watching India-Sri Lanka cricket match, I regained my mental spirit and decided not to live in any kind of negativities around me. I made a few rules, regulations for myself to follow. I don’t know how much my readers will connect with this but atleast it made me feel happy, made me strong enough to move on.

  1. Never get in to an argument which has no ending
  2. Never listen what other people say about you
  3. You didn’t take birth in a day and that was also not in your control. Handling any situation demands time and be wise to allot that
  4. Nothing comes for free, not even social service. You get tax exemption, happiness and sometimes a bit fame too
  5. Those who doesn’t have enough work or those who have never achieved anything in their life of their own, are the front runner in criticism business, avoid them
  6. Nurture hobbies, don’t make yourself so busy so that you don’t get time for what you actually enjoy
  7. Don’t keep grudge on anything or anyone, immediately react but don’t drag that far
  8. Enjoy companies of friends, but remember, if you enjoy, then only or else not necessary to get surrounded by people
  9. Exercise without fail. Alarm clock should not wake you up, but your passion should
  10. What is right is always right and what is wrong is always wrong. No need to live with something wrong hoping it will be right someday. It will never be
  11. Study even when you are earning good because studies keep you updated with things and works as natural brain refresher
  12. Attend calls, send mails, chat with people but avoid expecting anything
  13. Save money, save more than you could. Make savings a habit more important than earning also
  14. Enjoy every second. The moment you are dull, you must be sure very soon your surroundings would be dull and you would land in to a soup, middle of nowhere
  15. You can’t change anyone, so don’t try. Yes remember, you also don’t change yourself for anyone. You are fine, good enough
  16. Apart from all the above the things, do some meditation every day and walk for atleast 10,000 steps

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Debraj

15.02.2016

Gurgaon

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Every day I see a lady, an elderly lady wearing pink top and legging jog in the ground. if I reach ground at 5am in the morning, I would find her and she stays till I end up my morning exercises religiously. It has always been tough for me to reach ground on time after a good weekend and now it has become my habit to skip exercises two days in a row, Sunday and then in continuation to that Monday too. It’s been very few times when I broke this self-made rule and presented myself in between soothing nature on a fine Sunday morning and there was no surprise. That lady with pink dress was there, busy with her practices.

I don’t know what is this? Why there is so much dedication in something? What if I bunk a class or take a leave from office? I often do it, though very rare, still I will say it often as I don’t get tired very often but whenever I feel tired, I send a sms to my boss and then call him after sometime before sending him an official leave application mail. At the age of sixty, maybe she is fearing death, or maybe she doesn’t have anything else to do in the morning, probably she lost her aged husband a few years before, maybe her siblings don’t want her around in the morning chores, maybe she feel happy coming in the ground, may be it is a kind of discipline, forceful discipline to stay alive amidst all the crazy situations around us.

I don’t know whether I follow any kind of such discipline. I go office not because I feel bored at home I love my job, it is simply because I get money for working there and that’s the easiest way to earn money. I believe, there is no life without money unless otherwise you are being sponsored by any person or organization. So I go office every day, mostly without any fail. But what could be the motivation for that lady to wake up early in the morning and do exercises in the ground, that also without a single day fail.

After noticing this for almost six months, one fine morning, I decided to talk to her to know her motivation to do so or may be the reason behind it. I was mentally prepared to hear anything nut no, I didn’t had to hear anything painful. She politely narrated me a story while holding a smile always in her face. I am trying to write the story in her words.WP4

Hey you, my son, I am ready to hug my death any day. I am having high blood pressure, thyroid and some other less critical issues which you will find in almost every person of my age. I have problem in my knees since my childhood after I fell from a stool at the age of six only, I could not walk properly. One morning, while playing in my court yard, suddenly a dog chased me and I started trudging with my legs and then suddenly I started running like anything, ooops, no son, nothing of that kind happened in my life. There was no Forrest Gump incidence in my life. Anyway, then my dad took me to a school and I was not doing very well there. One fine morning a close relative of mine came and shouted on me for not doing well in exams. He gave examples of nearby guys who were of my same age and were doing extremely well. That was an eye opener for me. I studied well, better, worked day and night and my hard work was properly compensated by awarding me rank one. Oooops, noting of that kind happened also in my life. I never did well in my exams, never tried also. Okies, my son, I know I am actually confusing you a lot. My simple suggestion to you is, stop following people. One should not have any time to listen other’s shared knowledge but make sure that you got enough experience. Remember what Forrest Gump’s mom said him, ‘Stupid is as stupid does.’ We all are stupid and so let’s not act as high intellectual. None is more disciplined than you, hard worker than you and Hey You, you are the best, believe it, act accordingly.

It was good knowledge for me. I stopped listening to many suggestions, various explanations of religious books and spiritual discussions, rather I started noting down things around me and convert it to an experience, which must enrich me, and I guess we all believe motivation comes automatically.

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What is Love?

Biologically, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. Yes, we don’t have any control over it. May be that’s why it is said that love is divine also. In a workshop I attended very recently, I had a long argue with the speaker over there, how could love be divine, how come it could be without any expectations and demands. If there is no expectations, demands, respect, commitment, then why do we need to have a thing called love. I personally don’t believe that if there is no commitment, then there is no existence of that thing. We can’t survive in office without any commitment. Everything in this world comes with some deliverables. Mom loves us and we love our mom. There is some attachments. There is some kind of expectations in every steps. We may or may not understand it every time, but there is always a string attached. In husband wife relationships also, there are a lot deliverables and demands from each side, sometime absence of which brings hatred in between a relationship and then spoils it. Then if there are some pros & cons of a thing called love, then how come it could be divine?

Why so many Hatred?

A person borrowed some money from me a few years back and then he didn’t return till date. I am quite sure that he will never return. That time it was some handsome amount which may have no value at all right now because I earn much more and got a small bank balance also. Still whenever I meet that person, I remember that incident and talk with him cautiously keeping in mind that no further dealings of money. We say a wrong word or come out of a relationship and then we keep that incident in our mind for long. That bitterness, pain, sorrow don’t let us to communicate with that person properly in future also. It takes lots of time to forget a thing and move on. Sometime it takes a lifelong time. We keep on holding the grudge for so long so that we don’t even take any initiative to rebuild that bridge and we do it purposefully out of our negative thoughts which actually drive us to lead our life. In general, sometime we cherish our hatred for a person or an incident in large.

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Summary

Actually there is a very thin line between love and hate. Love is more easily experienced than defined. Love’s the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life’s greatest blessing.

Hate is often considered to be an evil passion that should, in a better world, be tamed, controlled and eradicated. Yet to the biologist, hate is a passion that is of equal interest to love“.

Like love, hatred is often irrational and can lead individual to heroic and evil deeds. How can two opposite sentiments lead to the same behaviour?

This may seem surprising since hate can also be an all-consuming passion like love, the real truth of life.

WP 1

One famous person named Ramakrishna once said, many thoughts, and many ways (যত মত, ততো পথ). For everything there is some time of craze. As an example, when I was child, people suddenly started saying that don’t use Dalda, use vegetable oil, like sunflower oil, almond oil etc., and then the craze of Rice bran oil came. And we all started using that thing. After a few years, everyone got feared and started singing the song of Olive oil and just yesterday my wife read somewhere that Olive oil is not good for Indian Type of cooking. My mom always used to say, drink milk, you will gain good health, and now we all know that milk is not that good though. These are things, concepts, theories…comes like waves and then vanishes in no time at all.

In life, these waves can be termed as phases. In childhood, we all play in the ground or at least inside room. Then those heavy bags full of books are forcefully put on our shoulders and we carry those until we get a job or start a business or decide some other professions. I have never been in to a business, so I can’t say what happens to a business man but yes, being an employee for about ten years, now I can say what happened with me or what the phases were. Initially I was a junior, always willing to learn, then slowly I got increments, promotions, in between all these, switched to some other company frequent times. Now too much loaded with higher designations and simultaneously work pressure.

In my last blog, I have written about how did I took part in a Yoga Program and how I myself motivated with help of Yoga to quit cigarettes and alcohol. Now will come to a few more discussions. There are ‘n’ numbers of Yoga Styles and thousands multiplied number of Yoga Gurus. All gurus have invented some kind of techniques or at least modified the traditional things according to the need of people and sometime to make their presentation more followers friendly.

Now let’s analyze what I have learnt in my course. I learnt to be happy all the time knowing that Happiness and Sorrow are complimentary to each other. If one is happy at present doesn’t mean he will not get pain in his life. It is just a matter of fact that after happiness, there must be some kind of setbacks. I learnt a powerful breathing exercise known as Sudarshan Kriya which is a process to control your breathing as breathing is the most important source of energy. I learnt some other kinds of breathing exercises too like Ujjayi Pranayama and then Bhastrika. I was instructed to continue doing that process for the next forty days without any break. The best time for practicing the same is in the morning or anytime in a day preferably in an empty stomach.

After doing five days’ workshop, I really felt good but a bit disappointed too. I got so many questions in my mind which are still unanswered. Ok let me write down those points

  1. Per session I have paid Rs. 400, total Rs. 2000 for a five days’ workshop, which seems a bit expensive. I know we don’t mind buying unhealthy fast food for 500 bucks but before buying rice, we compare between 20kinds of rice and then finally buy the cheapest one, though a 500 buck cost 5kg pack of rice lasts for atleast a month, still considering it a economy program, the subjects were very little. There were more emphasize on how Ravishankar ji talks about things, how holy person he is and what does he suggests in different situations. Yes, I am not saying those are not good, they are really good, inspiring and motivating too but I expected more Yoga and techniques than mere knowledge. We all are full of knowledge and it’s really tough to make space for new things. In that way I was a bit disappointed.
  2. The Home Kriya, means the simplified version of Sudarshan Kriya was taught to us which I find not that good except making it a habit of doing same things repeatedly. Actually it brings discipline in life. May be through regular practice it will be able to channelize my energy through breathing in some day. They say Long Kriya is not to be done on regular basis and must not be at home being alone. They say it must be practiced infront of some teacher and in group. My sincere question is I don’t want to have a guru standing in front of me all the time. I need to be mature and be that teacher who can mentor their disciple to make them mature in minimum time require. Where everything is specific, where you always emphasize on being in present, then why do you keep things to be taught in future. Why not at this present moment.
  3. Why there are so many Gurus and so many Paths. WP 2They are actually too much confusing. They say, Gu means Darkness and Ru means light. Guru is who removes the darkness and bring the light in life. Having a good guru means half job done. But where is Guru? He is not with me directly. He says to be with me through his series of disciples. It seems like there are many many steps to reach near to him. Means one should kept on hoping and spending money on learning things without having any answers to his own questions. He can’t even ask his Guru that, “how do you know all these things?” yes, it’s an important question. How Guru does know everything and then if he knows everything, then what the hell other gurus are doing? Do they also claim to know everything? If yes, then why don’t they appear for a common examination and release their rankings. We will have a choice then. Now it is like being sub-standard people, we are forced believe their holiness. What they claim to be good, we have full rights to know why it is better among all other things claimed to be Good.

Okay, I have so many questions because still I am a person with confused mind, but never mind, like all other things I have done in life, here also, I will try my best to reach the root, even if that involves to read a lot, practice my ass out, I will not mind. Yoga as a whole and to be specific the type of Yoga I have learnt has opened a door in my mind, now it’s my job to explore the rooms inside.

Sougata

Gurgaon

24.08.2015

এরকম কিছু হলে কি হয়েছে, সেটা বলার দরকার পরে না। এখানে মাঝে মাঝেই পুলিশের ছোবল পড়ে, কখনও সত্যি লোক ধরা পড়ে আর কখনও যেকোনো লোক ধরা পরলেই চলে। রাতেরবেলা দৌড়াদৌড়ির শব্দ শোনা যায়, আর তার একটু পরে গ্রামের লোকের আওয়াজ আর রাস্তায় পড়ে থাকা একটা বা দুটো ডেডবডি। কখনও পুলিশের বডিও পড়ে থাকে, কিন্তু তখন শুরু হয় অত্যাচার, সব কটা ঘর খুঁজে দেখে, খাটের নীচ, গাছের ঝাড়, মড়াই কিছু বাদ থাকে না, কখনও তার মাঝেই এর ওর গায়ে একটু হাত দিয়ে মজা করে নেয় সরকারি কুত্তাগুলো। কিছু বললেই পুরে দেবে সীসার টুকরো আর ঘোষণা করে দেবে মাওবাদী বা দেশদ্রোহী। বিতান পরিস্কার বুঝতে পারলো তার ঘরের দিকেই আসছে আওয়াজটা, সে হাত দিয়ে ইশারা করে চুপ করতে বলল উত্তমকে, তারপর চুপ করে বসে থাকল। একটু পরে দুমদাম দরজায় আওয়াজ হল, সে ঘুম জড়ানো গলায় দরজা খুলে দিলো। তিনটে পুলিশ দাঁড়িয়েছিল বাইরে, একজনকে সে চেনে, আগেও দেখেছে এই গ্রামে, সেই প্রথম মুখ খুলল, উত্তমকে এদিকেই আসতে দেখলাম, তোর ঘরে নেইতো? বিতান বুঝল, সে পার্টি করে বলে এত ভদ্রতা দেখাচ্ছে, আসলে সব কটা শয়তানের গাছ, অন্য লোক হলে এতক্ষনে তার ঘরে ঢুকে নিজেরাই সব খুঁজে উপরন্তু পাশের ঘরে বউদির গায়েও হাত দিয়ে আসতো শালারা। সে মুখে কিছু প্রকাশ করলো না, মুখে বলল, এসেছিল একটু আগেই, জায়গা চেয়েছিল, বলেছিল পিছনে পুলিশ, কিন্তু সে জায়গা না দেওয়ায় বাঁদিকের রাস্তা ধরে দৌড়ে গেছে। এর বেশি আর কিছু জানে না সে। পুলিশগুলো চোখ ছোট ছোট করে এইসব শুনল, তারপরে কথা না বাড়িয়ে হাঁটা দিলো বা দিকের রাস্তা ধরে। বিতান আরও কিছুক্ষণ দাঁড়িয়ে থাকলো ওদের দিকে তাকিয়ে। বিশ্বাস নেই এই শুয়োরগুলোকে, কখন আবার ফেরত আসে সন্দেহ করে।

সারারাত আর ঘুম হয়নি তার, উত্তম পা ধরে প্রনাম করেছিলো, সে একটা লাথ মেরে বলেছিল, শালা তুই যে নকশাল, সে কথা বলিসনি তো! আমি জানতাম তুই সিপিএম করিস, তারপরে বুঝলাম তোদের পার্টিই বন্ধ হয়ে গেছে বলে এমনি ঘুরে বেরাস আর তুই শালা জঙ্গলের ডাকাত? সকাল হলেই ভাগবি, ভোরের বেলা, আর কেউ যদি দেখে তো ওখানেই একটা গুলি খেয়ে মরে যাস। আর কোনও কথা হয়নি।

সকালবেলা সাহেবের ওখানে যাওয়ার ছিল, মনোহরদা বলে রেখেছিলেন। সকালেবেলাতে আক্রা নদী খুব সুন্দর দেখায়, কেমন একটা তিরতিরে হাওয়া বয় আর বেশ কোমল একটা গন্ধ আসে নাকে। পলাইকে বলা ছিল কাল রাতের বেলা সাহেবকে মেয়ে সাপ্লাই করার কথা। পলাই নিশ্চয় করেছে, ওর কথার দাম আছে। এই গ্রামেও কোথা থেকে মেয়ে যোগাড় করে কে জানে! একবার একটা মেয়ে কে দেখেছিল বিতান, কালো গায়ের রঙ, ভরাট পিছনটা আর বুকের কাছটা, দেখলেই কেমন একটা মোচড় দিয়ে ওঠে বুকটা, মনোহরদা বলেছেন সব ভালো, মেয়েমানুষের পাল্লায় পড়া ভালো না, তাই বিতান একবার দেখেই চোখ সরিয়ে নিয়েছিল, তারপরে একবার আড়চোখে তাকিয়েওছিল, কিন্তু তখন মেয়েটাও ওর দিকে তাকিয়ে সব গোলমাল করে দিলো আর মনোহরদা দেখে ফেলে কটা কাঁচা খিস্তি মারলেন।

সাহেবের বাড়ির গেট খোলা, কাউকে জিজ্ঞাসা না করেই সে ভিতরে ঢুকে গেলো, ইটের রাস্তা পেরিয়ে বাড়িতে ঢোকার মুখেই গলার আওয়াজ শুনতে পেলো মনোহরদা’র। তারপরে দেখতে পেলো দুজনকেই, মুখোমুখি দাঁড়িয়ে কথা বলছে। একটু ইতস্তত করে ওখানেই দাঁড়িয়ে গেলো বিতান। বেশ গলা চড়িয়ে কথা বলছিলেন মনোহরদা, সাহেবও মুখেমুখে জবাব দিচ্ছিলেন আধা হিন্দি, আধা ইংরিজিতে, বেশ বুঝতে পারছিলো যে ওদের মধ্যে একটা কিছু নিয়ে ঝগড়া হচ্ছে। সে বাইরেই অপেক্ষা করতে থাকলো।

এখনও পুরোপুরি বর্ষাকাল আসেনি, বর্ষা এলে এইসব রাস্তায় আর হাঁটা যায় না, অল্পস্বল্প যেসব জমিজমা আছে, তাতেই চাষ আবাদ শুরু হয়ে যায়, আক্রা নদীতে জল বাড়লে রাত জাগে গ্রাম, কখন ঘর ছেড়ে উঠতে হয় স্কুল বাড়িতে! পূবদিকে একটা আমগাছে চোখ গেলো, বাঁজা আমগাছ, ফল নেই একটাও, আমগাছের নীচে একটা বেশ বড় উইপোকার ঢিপি, একটু ভাল করে বৃষ্টি হলেই এইসব ঢুকে যাবে মাটির তলায়। বিতান ভেবে পেলো না যে তখন উইপোকাগুলো বেঁচে থাকবে কি করে? যদিও উইপোকার থাকা বা না থাকার উপরে তার খুব একটা আগ্রহ নেই, তবু কেন মাথায় এল তার? এরকম হচ্ছে আজকাল, কিছু ভাবার আগেই একতাল চিন্তা এসে সব ওলটপালট করে দিচ্ছে। এমনিতেই তার মাথায় বুদ্ধি কম, গ্রামে আছে, ঘরের খাচ্ছে বলে চলে যাচ্ছে, বাইরে বেরোতে হলেই ‘হু হু বাওয়া’ হয়ে যাবে। সে মাঝে মাঝে অবাক হয়, ওদের গ্রামেরই লোক হয়ে মনোহরদা’র এতো কি করে বুদ্ধি! নিজের একটা দোকান আছে মোহম্মদবাজারে, সেটা নাকি বেশ ভালই চলে, বিয়ে করেনি আর এদিকে রাজনীতি করে বেশ নিজেরটা ভাল করে গুছিয়ে নিচ্ছে। আজকাল গ্রামের বয়স্ক লোকেরাও ওর কাছেই আসে শলাপরামর্শ করতে আর মনোহর’দাও বেশ গুছিয়ে জবাব দেন।

এরকম সাতপাঁচ ভাবতে ভাবতেই আমগাছের পিছনের দিকটায় পৌঁছে গেছিলো বিতান। ডানদিকে, যেদিকে কলুখোলার মাঠটা আছে, সেদিকের ডালে একটা পাখির বাসা দেখতে পেলো সে, কোনও আওয়াজ না করে চুপচাপ সেদিকে এগিয়ে গেলো সে আর তক্ষুনি একটা দ্রুম করে শব্দ হল, ছিটকে বেরিয়ে এলো সে, বেশ কিছু পাখি, যারা কোনও গাছের ডালে বসেছিল, উড়ে গেলো আওয়াজ করে। বিতান দৌড়াতে শুরু করলো বাংলোর গেটের দিকে, কিছু একটা ভয়ানক হয়েছে সে বুঝতে পারছিল। সাহেবের ঘরের দিকে তাকাতেই সব পরিষ্কার হল, একটা চেয়ারের উপর উবুড় হয়ে পড়েছিল সাহেব, বলা ভালো সাহেবের ভারিক্কি চেহারাটা, আর অদ্ভুত শান্ত মুখ নিয়ে সামনেই দাঁড়ানো মনোহরদা। কাঠের দরজার একপাশ দিয়ে পাতলা একটা রক্তের ধারা তাজা স্রোত হয়ে বয়ে চলেছে। বিতান চীৎকার করে উঠলো, “মনোহর দা!”

চলবে…

CA 01

A few days before while talking with a close friend over the phone, I found him a bit frustrated and dull. I asked him the reason but he politely avoided discussion on the same. On the next day, he called me in the evening and asked me two questions,

  1. Why do people give me importance in their necessity and then just throw me away after the need? Is every relationship is based on need?
  2. Why does this happen to me time and again? This is not the first incident, the same thing happened to be before also. What do you suggest as a friend?

I took time to respond to his question. Yes, I am not a relationship guru, whom people call for getting suggestions on relationship issues and yes, I also face the same things in my life too. People’s communication, maintaining relationships etc everything depends on need. When that need is served, they strive for another need, and to be frank, need is an assignment type thing. Like we order pizza and the pizza retail chain deliver the same within their stipulated time. We are happy with the taste and delivery of that pizza. The moment the delivery boy gets late in delivery, we scream at him and scare him to deduct the amount.

It’s same in everywhere and funny is we all know that.

Even in a husband-wife relationship, there are a lots of needs and then imposed duties and responsibilities on both. The moment one need is served; the second moment is spent on planning for the next sets of needs. But in case of a husband wife relationship, the score card is only between the two members. Like if husband has to cook, then wife is to give score or vice versa. The moment it gets public and then types of demands starts acting like a free flow water body.

It can be compared with ‘dropping mercury theory’.

When a tea spoon of mercury is dropped from a certain height on a plane floor, then it will get scattered. You can try your level best to accumulate but actually it will cost you both physical and mental effort but result will be a big zero. You just can’t accumulate all the mercury and find the same weight as it was before. Now place a funnel and put a bottle under that. Take another tea spoon of mercury and drop it on the funnel. See the result, except a marginal loss; you will be able to collect the whole mercury.

The same applies with any relationship too. The moment you lose the funnel, the moment you lose the game.

Remember the style of our parents. They used to love us, scold us in childhood. Then they started developing confidence in us, educate us and then finally they started depending on us and finally they leave you to roam freely on this earth with a confidence that my son/daughter is ready. They also used a funnel, poured mercury through a funnel, systematically. In language we know that funnel as scolding, appreciating, admiring, loving, affection etc.

Where you didn’t use any funnel, it’s better not to expect anything from that relationship. Type of funnel may be compromised considering it issue based but the thing funnel is irreplaceable.

Let me give another example of what actually happens in our life.

Without using any proper kind of funnel, we lose to a situation and then blame it to get some consolation and generally two things happened. Either we say, “I was carried away with emotions/sentiments/anger etc” or “it never happened to be mine”.

An example:Sm 01

A person died. His relatives, neighbours, family members were standing around his bed and crying. A person was passing through that area. Out of curiosity, he stopped, felt emotional and thought of spending some time with them, with the distressed family. He tried his best to console people, shed tears in his own eyes too. After sometime they took that dead body to the burning ghat, chanting prayer to god. None looked at him. None paid any kind of attention to him. He felt bad, very bad. He spent almost 2 hours with those people but none even noticed him. He didn’t expect much, but some should have called him or atleast waved hand to him but nothing happened. He felt really very bad. In the road, he met me, narrated the whole story. I said, “You missed it sincerely. In the whole story, you were nowhere in the picture, just stopped, spent some time with them and now asking for a special guard of honour. Here the subject was the dead body, not you. One should understand where his service is required and where it is not. And then even if a service is asked from you, it’s solely your choice and understanding of whether you are able to provide that support or not. If you are able to provide that support, then ask yourself, are you actually providing support voluntarily or with an expectation of getting a favour in return. When all the answers are known to you, you will be well enough smart to avoid missing anything ‘sincerely’.

Now, another thing is carried away, which you can’t control.

You already know that marginal loss can’t be avoided. If you have to use funnel, then you must have to bear some marginal loss.

Let’s see what happens in the above mentioned example in another case.

A person died. His relatives, neighbours, family members were standing around his bed and crying. A person was passing through that area. Out of curiosity, he stopped, felt emotional and thought of spending some time with them, with the distressed family. He also couldn’t hold his tears for long. We wiped the tears with hands and left the place. After reaching at home, he found it strange. He didn’t even know the person who died but still he shed some tears. He was actually ‘carried away’ with the situation there.

The moment we will start understanding what do we actually want and what kind of deliberation that need, we will stop blaming fate, luck etc. for a never simple relationship questionnaire session.

Debraj

22nd april 2015