Carried Away or Sincerely Missed???

Posted: April 22, 2015 in Inspiration, life, NaBloPoMo, Personal, Relationships, Social
Tags: , , , , , , ,

CA 01

A few days before while talking with a close friend over the phone, I found him a bit frustrated and dull. I asked him the reason but he politely avoided discussion on the same. On the next day, he called me in the evening and asked me two questions,

  1. Why do people give me importance in their necessity and then just throw me away after the need? Is every relationship is based on need?
  2. Why does this happen to me time and again? This is not the first incident, the same thing happened to be before also. What do you suggest as a friend?

I took time to respond to his question. Yes, I am not a relationship guru, whom people call for getting suggestions on relationship issues and yes, I also face the same things in my life too. People’s communication, maintaining relationships etc everything depends on need. When that need is served, they strive for another need, and to be frank, need is an assignment type thing. Like we order pizza and the pizza retail chain deliver the same within their stipulated time. We are happy with the taste and delivery of that pizza. The moment the delivery boy gets late in delivery, we scream at him and scare him to deduct the amount.

It’s same in everywhere and funny is we all know that.

Even in a husband-wife relationship, there are a lots of needs and then imposed duties and responsibilities on both. The moment one need is served; the second moment is spent on planning for the next sets of needs. But in case of a husband wife relationship, the score card is only between the two members. Like if husband has to cook, then wife is to give score or vice versa. The moment it gets public and then types of demands starts acting like a free flow water body.

It can be compared with ‘dropping mercury theory’.

When a tea spoon of mercury is dropped from a certain height on a plane floor, then it will get scattered. You can try your level best to accumulate but actually it will cost you both physical and mental effort but result will be a big zero. You just can’t accumulate all the mercury and find the same weight as it was before. Now place a funnel and put a bottle under that. Take another tea spoon of mercury and drop it on the funnel. See the result, except a marginal loss; you will be able to collect the whole mercury.

The same applies with any relationship too. The moment you lose the funnel, the moment you lose the game.

Remember the style of our parents. They used to love us, scold us in childhood. Then they started developing confidence in us, educate us and then finally they started depending on us and finally they leave you to roam freely on this earth with a confidence that my son/daughter is ready. They also used a funnel, poured mercury through a funnel, systematically. In language we know that funnel as scolding, appreciating, admiring, loving, affection etc.

Where you didn’t use any funnel, it’s better not to expect anything from that relationship. Type of funnel may be compromised considering it issue based but the thing funnel is irreplaceable.

Let me give another example of what actually happens in our life.

Without using any proper kind of funnel, we lose to a situation and then blame it to get some consolation and generally two things happened. Either we say, “I was carried away with emotions/sentiments/anger etc” or “it never happened to be mine”.

An example:Sm 01

A person died. His relatives, neighbours, family members were standing around his bed and crying. A person was passing through that area. Out of curiosity, he stopped, felt emotional and thought of spending some time with them, with the distressed family. He tried his best to console people, shed tears in his own eyes too. After sometime they took that dead body to the burning ghat, chanting prayer to god. None looked at him. None paid any kind of attention to him. He felt bad, very bad. He spent almost 2 hours with those people but none even noticed him. He didn’t expect much, but some should have called him or atleast waved hand to him but nothing happened. He felt really very bad. In the road, he met me, narrated the whole story. I said, “You missed it sincerely. In the whole story, you were nowhere in the picture, just stopped, spent some time with them and now asking for a special guard of honour. Here the subject was the dead body, not you. One should understand where his service is required and where it is not. And then even if a service is asked from you, it’s solely your choice and understanding of whether you are able to provide that support or not. If you are able to provide that support, then ask yourself, are you actually providing support voluntarily or with an expectation of getting a favour in return. When all the answers are known to you, you will be well enough smart to avoid missing anything ‘sincerely’.

Now, another thing is carried away, which you can’t control.

You already know that marginal loss can’t be avoided. If you have to use funnel, then you must have to bear some marginal loss.

Let’s see what happens in the above mentioned example in another case.

A person died. His relatives, neighbours, family members were standing around his bed and crying. A person was passing through that area. Out of curiosity, he stopped, felt emotional and thought of spending some time with them, with the distressed family. He also couldn’t hold his tears for long. We wiped the tears with hands and left the place. After reaching at home, he found it strange. He didn’t even know the person who died but still he shed some tears. He was actually ‘carried away’ with the situation there.

The moment we will start understanding what do we actually want and what kind of deliberation that need, we will stop blaming fate, luck etc. for a never simple relationship questionnaire session.

Debraj

22nd april 2015

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