Finally : In Search of God # 01

Posted: May 29, 2014 in God, Inspiration, life, NaBloPoMo
Tags: , , , ,

ImageNo, I am not an autistic; I am not even a strong believer of god too. Neither I worship god, nor I complain, neither I pray before exam nor I blame if I get bad marks, even while going under the knives of doctors while operating one of my kidney and doctor himself was tensed due to criticality of it, I remained tensed, but kept my face smiling and closed my eyes with lots of hopes., I had a confidence, I knew I had a lot things to do, I couldn’t die, but not for a single time I thought of god, prayed but do I believe in his nonexistence or actually I have some soft corner for him? I am actually not sure of it as I am from a family where everyone is religious, pious and firm believer of the existence of god. Being in such a family also, I never thought of believing in god. During my childhood days, my mom used to tell us, after waking up, a good boy should wish good morning and then a small pray to have a nice day. I used to do this for a period of two years and then found it too boring to continue, so left. Actually as it was never from inside, so after constant two years of daily routine also, it didn’t become my habit.

There was a time when people used to take god’s name to gain friends belief. Like if a guy suddenly finds his eraser missing from his bag and doubts his mate sitting beside and asks, the mate’s reply will be like this, “on god promise, I didn’t take your eraser”. I don’t know what happens now but in our childhood it was just impossible to tell a lie by taking god’s name, with a belief that something very bad would happen immediately. Once I thought of checking the truth of it and so took pencil from my friend’s bag and waited for him to chase me. He came back to his desk and after finding his pencil lost, he asked almost every student of the class but not me, I lost a chance to check the power of god but yes, then I myself planned to do something else. There I planned to promise a thing in the name of god and desperately would fail, did but nothing immediate thing happened with me, not even any kind of curse.

We have a god in Hindu religion named Devi Saraswati, Imagewho is believed to be the goddess of education. Onlky her blessing is believed to be the main reason for doing well in examination to shine in future life. There is an ancient story also about her. World’s stupidest person named Kalidas, who was mocked by everyone around him, king himself threw him out of his territory and that also balding his head, putting cowdung and then make him sit on a flipped donkey. That Kalidas worshipped Devi Saraswati and then became the most intelligent person in the world. His social theories, linguistic skills are epic now. After a long phase of convincing myself, I also thought of taking help of only Devi Saraswati and so bought a small idol of her, kept infront of me, in the middle of my reading desk. I started worshipping her idol every day and sometime even did one-sided talk too. Like, I used to have a short conversation with her stating what I did whole day and what hurt me, what made me feel good etc. I used to get a good feel thinking atleast someone was there who could listen me but that process got bored after a few days, it’s better to have a bloody fight than talking to a deaf and dump idol. After that one month of worshipping, one day morning, I took that idol and kept in the place where mom and dad can take care of her. I was done with that. Asking for some favor is still not my cup of tea.

During my days in Ramakrishna Mission, a famous organization who actually live for people, work for people and make people ready to work for the society and country at large. Days were wonderful there. Every day, we had to wake up in the morning, then group prayer, then anything, either studies, or getting ready for colleges, good food and very calm heavenly atmosphere where people will feel happy and devoted. ImageThere was no person to clean our clothes, none to clean our rooms, bathrooms. Everything was self-help and even though there were more than one thousand tenants like me, still there was ultimate peaceful atmosphere, cool, sober, calm, healthy. After spending almost three months waking up with the clean and green environment clad morning prayer, one fine morning thought of spending a day infront of god without asking anything, doing anything, praying anything, just a day, without food, without water, without anything. I just needed to put the idol in my mind so that like normal people I could also pray, ask for something, put blame on someone. Yes, that was the main reason behind that decision. The moment I understood my intention was to put all the blame on god, I felt bitter, mean and a gulp of cry came through tears, I was alone in the temple, Ma Kali idol looking at me without any blink as it was not real but made of stone, I broke in to tears as I knew, I was confident none was noticing me. I was all alone in the premises. It helped. There was no reason for crying at all, there was no reason for then onwards believing on god too, so I came back to my room and noted down my experience. One thing was clear then, guys should have strong tears gland, it actually helps a lot. I had no problem and so nothing got solved but still it gave me relief.

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