Forget Sex, Space Comes First

Posted: April 16, 2014 in Relationships
Tags: , , , , , ,

Adam & Eve, the so-called fore-parents of all, is the creator of the human beings as per some old stories. They spent some time together and then had sex or whatever, and then they realized what it means by ‘being happy’ or ‘having pleasure’. Two very simple words, happiness and pleasure, mostly similar meaning but can be extremely opposite if we don’t know the usage of it, both while narrating an incident or let some incidents happen with us.

I had a very good friend during my school days. We used to stay together most of the time during school days, we used to play together, share tiffin or even participate in group games too. Our friendship was intact till he got a girlfriend during his college days. I didn’t like the lady and so being frank, told him on his face. He listened, nodded his head, then turned at me and said politely, “We know each other since we were in kinder garden school but still we didn’t learn how to give space to each other. I will prefer you to shut your fucking mouths from saying anything bad about my girlfriend. You may know me better but I know her better than you”. I could have slapped him or kicked his bloody ass or could have replied him badly but don’t know what happened to me, the word ‘space’ actually stopped me from doing anything. We are together for the last fifteen years, we shared same bed, even socks but still not close enough or may be that space is required in every relationship, a space to breathe, a space to understand each other better, a space to ask for more respect.Image

Famous American writer Mr. Max de Pree said well on this regard. He said, “We need to give each other the space to grow, to be ourselves, to exercise our diversity. We need to give each other space so that we may both give and receive such beautiful things as ideas, openness, dignity, joy, healing, and inclusion”Image

We often forget that though in a relationship, a couple stays very close to each other most of the time, they share bed, time, food everything, still there is some gap remains, that is simply because they are actually two different identities and on any ground it remains firm. Whenever a couple, or any of the couple tries to diminish this space, after some days feels that he/she is not enjoying the relationship like before. It’s some kind of ‘benign’ trap in which over attachments, dependence and trust actually become the reason for feeling suffocated and imprisoned. When feel very close to someone, we feel like having a rights to do something together or acceptance of any comment or words but actually that doesn’t happen. An art lover guy will never like a comment on his artistic skills even if the comment claims to be true, likewise a person who is career oriented will never like a negative comment on this.

We guys have a tendency to show our superiority in any decision making process. We claim to be the most intellectual creature available on earth and on the other side our wife also claim to be the same and she always comes out with some different opinion on anything, may it be watching a movies or even having a drink. Actually it’s not bad in having difference in opinion, but we make the mistake by forcing other to agree on own-made point, resulting confusion, contradiction and then contraction and finally either half-heartedly compromise or cancellation of both the ideas. Even if there is a mutual agreement on doing something together, there also a good healthy relationship may ask for some different way or views while executing the same. This kind of forcing others to reach a common platform comes from some very common relationship crisis ideologies, like possessiveness, clinginess and last but most importantly jealousy. Over possessiveness can even destroy a relationship. I love a bird doesn’t mean that a bird will have to stop flying as I can’t fly and I don’t want it to leave me. A few days the bird will adjust or compromise but in long run, he will feel imprisoned or suffocated. The moment he will feel suffocated, the next moment he will start wandering how to get rid of this love and as idle brain is devil’s nest, he will surely find out some ways to fly away forever. Another feeling works in any relationship is that, Jealousy. Like being a lover, he/she doesn’t have any problem in the bird’s flying habit but problem is that he/she doesn’t want him to be seen by some other with a lack of confidence. It’s a belief that my thing can’t be shared or spared for any god damn good reasons on the earth.Image

Too much understanding also causes misunderstanding like; sometime we think that if I say this to him/her, he/she may get hurt. We keep our mouth shut. I have used an example in my blog https://dreamzpassions.wordpress.com/2014/04/14/why-do-man-lie-to-woman/ . Time and again, I am repeating the same thing, i.e. over-dependence is fun, but it’s for a few days. After those initial days, it’s like living in an aquarium after having a luxurious life in a huge lake. But if it is handled with more optimism and more professional way, then probably a couple can have good discussions on professional things without a fear of getting criticized. They can plan for a holiday without having a fear of what other will think or how the idea will be accepted at all. A major problem in over-depending relationship is actually you hesitate to discuss something or anything. It’s like either it’s understood or can be avoided and after a few days it turns in to blame game. Then every issue, whatever was once considered as ‘understood or can be avoided’ if found went wrong, then people tend to put the blame on others and make it an issue stating whatever he/she did, did out of courtesy or due to the lovely bond they share. And there the shit happens. ‘Love’ gets compromised for ‘love’. Ego gets compromised for ego and the dependence theory gets a real bad nod.

I know a few friends, whose wives even keep check of their mail ids, social networking sites. Sometime they even communicate with a few unwanted people using the same mail id bringing a lot confusions and contradictions. One of my cousin brothers once told me a story on how he left the idea of being a photographer. Photography was his passion and he was more in to this than his profession also. So whenever he got time, he used to take his camera & tripod stand for a day’s tour to some places where he can actually take some good snaps. His wife got irritated by seeing him doing the same day by day but not for once, she took interest in photography. Neither my brother forced her to do so, nor she took interest in it but started keeping track of her husband’s each and every move. One day while she was secretly checking her husband’s mail, found a lady model wrote a long love letter to him. She immediately took the mobile and called her husband, misconceptions, and arguments and finally resulted in ending up the passion for photography as being in a marriage means being legally bound to whatever your family demands from you in India. Either accept it or declare war, in which you will never win.

We don’t understand that what we are today, only because of those people who were and still are around us. We don’t understand that little bit of each of them took part in the process of making us. They are important because we are important and as we are important, so ignoring their importance will be a real stupid act.Image

Small issues, big bindings and super huge responsibilities actually frustrate a relationship. People become suffocated. They do sex, make love every night but lack the warmth, the main TRP of any relationship. Without warmth, without the understanding mentality of ‘sharing healthy & valuable space’, a relationship becomes lifeless, charmless and ultimately valueless. Let’s start identifying such situations before it becomes too late. Let’s breathe happily & enjoy life while sharing good space in a relationship and make valueless relationships, a priceless one

Sougata

14.04.2014

Mumbai 

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